Twenty Twenty

Well, Happy 2020!! Am I the only one that wants a redo? Like take me back to Dec. 30^th real quick so I can try again. 2020 has already been interesting. We’re only 13 days in and I’ve already noticed two things that are holding back: Holding on too long and fear.

Holding on

Oh man, I am the queen of lingering thoughts and not moving past things in a timely manner. I question a lot of things that I subconsciously know I won’t get an answer to. So, in essence I’m wasting precious time and energy on things that don’t deserve my time and energy. I have to learn to feel the feelings, acknowledge them, assess them, and adjust accordingly. 

Moving on is something I’ve always had an issue with. It brings about feelings of not being good enough and I start asking “why me?” or “why not me?” when the answer is simply whatever it was just wasn’t for me. It’s nothing that I did or didn’t do, it’s just not a part of the plan for my life at the time or ever. We all know that things will work out and everything will be fine because you experienced it so many times, but that thinking in real-time is tough.  I’ve said that I need to learn to not care, but it’s more so learning to not invest myself totally in people and situations. Things don’t always work out the way you want them to, so you have to be able to adjust and keep moving. I recently dealt with a situation with a “friend” and I clearly remember telling my sister “oh, I’m about to air his a** out!” She calmly said “umm, how about you talk to Tamara (my therapist) about it first?”. I didn’t get a chance to talk to my therapist but I did talk to some guy friends that got me right. See, I adjusted and I’m keeping it moving lol. Baby steps…

At the end of 2019 I wrote down some goals that I want to accomplish. I’ve already started working on a few of them, but that’s my pattern. I get an idea and I run with it to a certain point then I freeze up out of fear. Fear that someone won’t like it, fear of failure, fear of change… This is a hard habit to break. It took me 4 years from the thought to this blog actually coming to life. When I finally decided I was going to do it I started researching how to start it and got all of the information I needed. I went ahead and wrote a couple of posts so that I wouldn’t feel pressured to come up with something. I got the domain, setup the website, and finally 3 months after that I launched it. I was scared to death that day. I sent the site to my #BFFF and my sister before anyone else. When I made the FB and IG posts about it being live I put my phone on do not disturb because I was scared of the feedback. 

Fear

One of the goals was to do more with the blog and get myself out there more. I wanted some Feel the Sparks merchandise, blog about different things I’m doing, events I go to, and other things. I reached out to a few people about getting t-shirts made and it just never happened so I made a few myself. Good for me, right? Now what? You guessed it I’m second guessing everything “will anybody want one?”, “does anybody even care about what I have to say or my little blog?”. When at the end of the day it doesn’t matter. It’s important to me and I KNOW somebody can relate. But fear will have you doubting yourself and blocking your own blessings. 

One last example, I’ve been on a weight loss journey for what seems like forever. I know it has been at least 10 years. I’ve tried so many things and I never stuck with them for whatever reason. I finally realized that reason was fear. I identified the fact that I’ve used my weight has a crutch and a shield. I’ve let it bring my confidence down and turn me into somewhat of a hermit. Now I was never trying to always be out there in the streets but I was a lot more social when I was smaller. I’ve found myself asking what will my life look like if I’m smaller? How am I going to act? Will I gain the weight back? I’m happy to say I’ve been working hard on that. I’ve been going to the gym 3-5 days a week for the last 6 months. My support system is amazing and they continue to push me. I have spurts of eating better. My eating is the hardest thing. Food is such a comfort for me and most times the only thing I feel like I can control. When everything else is spiraling out of control I can find something good to eat. So now the question has been “what will I replace food with?”. I really just want to take some full body pics, do some videos (like IG stories and possibly YouTube), and just be more comfortable in my body, but I’m scared. Y’all pray for your girl!

I said all of that to say, don’t let fear and holding on to the past stop you from being the best you and living your best life. We all have our things that we need to work on but we have to take it one day at a time. Done is better that perfect! Do the thing, whatever it may be. Learn the lessons and make the improvements. You won’t have the chance to improve or have the experience if you don’t start. Let go of the bad experiences from the past and push past the fear. It’ll all be worth it in the end. I went to an event with a friend Saturday night and this has stuck with me, “You can’t ask for growth then complain about the growing pains.” 

What are your goals and what has been holding you back from accomplishing them? Let’s talk about it!

Until next time, comment, share, and be the spark you want to feel!